


Waiting in white

by AlwaysASourwolf



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Established Relationship, Fear, Grief/Mourning, Inspired by Music, Loss of love, M/M, Oneshot, Sorry Not Sorry, Struggling, Tears, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, happy end kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysASourwolf/pseuds/AlwaysASourwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grief is like the ocean;<br/>It comes in waves,<br/>ebbing and flowing.<br/>Sometimes the water is calm, <br/>and sometimes it is overwhelming. <br/>All we can do is learn to swim. </p>
<p>-  Vicki Harrison</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting in white

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MamaMcCallMe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaMcCallMe/gifts).



> For Becky, the Jensen to my Cougar.

Grief is like the ocean;  
It comes in waves,  
ebbing and flowing.  
Sometimes the water is calm,   
and sometimes it is overwhelming.   
All we can do is learn to swim.

-  Vicki Harrison    

 

Red had always been Jensen’s favorite color. It was flashy, bright and reminded him of Cougar’s Spanish temper. Simply good reasons to love it. 

 

Cougar loved it too. His favorite color used to be blue, but that had changed over the past year. Shuffling out of the big bed that he used to share with the tech, he sighed deeply, rubbing the fabric of the bright red T-Shirt between his gun-calloused fingers. Jensen used to call it his “lucky shirt”, because he wore it when they had first kissed. He believed in luck; Cougar didn’t. Not anymore. 

Barely awake the former sniper reached for the IPod on the nightstand and turned it on. Jensen’s IPod. Loud music numbed his brain; happy, cheerful music. “Don’t stop believing”; Jensen’s favorite song. He sang it all the time, even in the middle of an undercover mission back then when they were still on the run, hunting for Max. It used to make him happy and when the blond was happy, Cougar was, too. But now? Now the familiar tune clogged up his throat and he had to swallow thickly. Maybe listening to that kind of music wasn’t the best idea right now. 

 

“Cougs! Cougs, Cougs! Get uuup! You wanted to take me to the amusement park!” Jensen’s words still echoed through Cougar’s head, he couldn’t believe that it was only three years ago. Over three years since their first kiss, their first date. Staring outside the big window, he leaned against the frame, watching the street. It was still early, not even the postman was in sight. The sniper’s gaze was unfocused, gliding over trees and bushes and the empty road, with nothing really able to catch his eye. 

Every morning was like this. Every morning, since Jake Jensen died in his arms, he was waiting. Waiting to finally wake up from this horrible nightmare. 

On this day, Jake died exactly one year ago. Cougar hadn’t even touched the pictures on the drawer. They were already a little dusty but he didn’t dare to remove them. He simply couldn’t. He didn’t want to forget.  Even Jensen’s sister had already continued with her normal life, only one picture in a black frame reminding her of her loss. Beth, her daughter and therefor Jake’s niece, managed admiringly well, too. She stopped crying right after the funeral. “Uncle Jake always said I need to be strong for my mother when she can’t be herself. So that’s what I’m gonna do.” She was strong. Cougar wasn’t.  

 

The sign with their names on the front door was still untouched. Something inside of the soldier was still denying that he was gone for good. Every time he looked out of the window, he hoped to see that goofy grin, to see him waving with the mail that he had just picked up from the post office. He never came.  And Cougar? 

He waited. 

About six month earlier, Beth had drawn a bright and colorful picture on their bedroom wall. Glittery, huge butterflies. Jensen would’ve loved it. She didn’t ask beforehand and the sniper never objected. It was her sign to draw a line, Jensen’s name resplendent in bright rainbow colors. The paint had smeared a little so it looked like the letters were smiling. 

 

Cougar often asked himself if he would ever be able to forget him. Maybe someday, he told himself, but oh he knew that this was not going to happen. It was just not possible to forget the quirky tech, even Clay was still struggling with his loss. 

The chirping noise of the alarm clocked pulled him out of his thoughts, like every morning. 8:15. It was the time Jensen used to get up to make breakfast when they were on leave. The sniper loved it so much, his pancakes were the best. 8:15. He couldn’t bring himself to change it or even turn it off. It was routine, it was stable, it was good. 

 

A glance to the calendar made him tear up again, sobs shaking his body. If that fuckin’  idiot hadn’t gone lose, they’d be married now. Clenching his fist to his mouth, he pressed his lips against the cool metal of his ring. He still wore it, even though it never got to fulfill his purpose. Jensen’s ring dangled from a necklace around his neck, combined with his dog tags. Cougar never took them off. When they buried him, Clay handed them to him with the flag, not Jess or Beth, no. Him. They all knew, and they looked so forward to their wedding, it was a blow right to the face. 

The sniper never forgave himself. Jensen was only outside that day, because /he/ had a craving for some ice cream and his wonderful, wonderful fiancé wanted nothing more than to make him happy. “And you’re sure, that you’re not pregnant, gatito?” The blonde had asked and flashed him a dazzling smile. Cougar loved that nickname so much; Jensen had learned Spanish, only for him. No one knew in that moment, that it would’ve been the last joke they ever exchanged. 

 

It was an accident. A drunk driver lost control over his car and nearly ran a small child over, if it hadn’t been for Jensen. Thanks to his brilliant reflexes he had managed to push it out of the danger zone but got hit himself. Right in front of their house. Right in front of Cougar. 

The stain the coffee he had spilled left, was still visible on the light carped, like a warning reminder not to forget. The sniper had jumped right out of the window, still in the shirt he used to sleep in and ran over to him, cradling his head, soothing him as blood seeped through his clothes. Jensen didn’t say a word as he starred at him, just smiled and mouthed an “I love you” before he went completely still. Dead. Gone. It didn’t take long. For Cougar the whole world shattered the second he took his last breath. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t feel anything else than this unbearable pain. The paramedics had to forcefully pull him away from his dead lover, Jessica and Jolene screaming in agony. Cougar didn’t even notice. Not even Clay’s slap to his cheek pulled him out of his paralysis. The medics did their best, but the sniper already knew that it was too late. He had felt how the string that connected their hearts snapped, leaving his own unprotected and bleeding. He didn’t cry. He just stared down to his blood covered hands, slowly dying inside. 

 

That was a year ago. It still hurt. Badly. Like a deep flesh wound that ripped open every time he moved, with every breath he took. The former sniper only slept when exhaustion took over and he was too tired to cry any more. But not today. Taking another shaking breath he pulled the foil that covered his white tux off. A sad smile on his lips he brushed his fingers nearly reverently over the soft fabric. His wedding suit. Jensen had picked it and Cougar had picked his. They buried him in his. More tears streamed over his face as he realized that it still fit. It was a little loose around his middle, since his wasn’t eating much. He simply forgot. Jensen had always taken so good care of him; now that he was gone he was on his own again.

It was not like Jessica or the others didn’t care for him, not at all. It was just.. they weren’t Jensen. Cougar wasn’t that much of a talker anyway but he barely talked anymore. There was nothing he wanted to talk about. Beth still loved him. He’d pick her up from school when her mother had to work and helped her with her homework, but even she, an eleven year old girl noticed that he was a broken man with a shattered heart. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t fix him. But that was okay, she wouldn’t give up. 

Fixing his dark red bow tie, Cougar grabbed the bunch of roses he had prepared and left the house to visit his lover’s grave. Like he did every day. Sunlight made his suit glow peacefully when he walked the short distance to the local graveyard. Deep in thoughts he crossed the street, not even noticing his surroundings. A fatal mistakes. Tires ached and screamed as the driver of an old truck tried to stop his vehicle, but it was too late. Cougar looked up and stared like a deer in the spotlight. He wanted to move, to roll aside like he did back in his days as a soldier but.. he couldn’t. The truck hit the sniper with an awful sound, roses and body flying through the air. The driver jumped out with a terrified expression on his face, pale as the suit that slowly turned red. Red like the roses around. 

The sniper didn’t move. 

Cougar didn’t know where he was. He was confused. Everything was so bright, so warm and so.. white? Shielding his eyes from the dazzling light surrounding him he shuffled to his feet again. Immediately he knew that this was the end, but even if he wanted to be sad for leaving the others so unexpected, he couldn’t. A warm voice behind him made Cougar want to wail in joy.  “Took you long enough, gatito.” The sniper turned around and instantly threw himself into his lover’s arms, the only place where he’d always belonged. 

It was over. All the pain, all the agony, all the fear and loneliness. 

Jensen had waited for him. 

Waited for him in white.  

**Author's Note:**

> My first English fan fiction. As you probably noticed it is not my first language. Feel free to comment ♥


End file.
